A wonderful chapter in Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud this week, on how things could have been and should have been. The reality of it is that each of us has been a child and we have survived. Whether we learned healthy boundaries or not, we survived. Now the result of our adolescent exposure to boundaries has impacted each and every one of us.
This chapter discussed how to raise children and interact with them appropriately from birth to adulthood. The application we get out of this book is a bit different than the author’s intentions or maybe to say, we are not the intended audience of this chapter. It would be very sad, if we just skipped over this chapter because we don’t have any small children or we are not in that perfect counseled family.
It is with God’s best interest that we take this chapter and learn from it in multiple ways. The first part would be to understand how we were raised and how we established our boundaries and developed the character that defines us. Then we need to use this material to be the best mentors and grandparents that we can be. Boundaries is an ongoing, never ending job.
Our childhood boundary experience
The chapter lays out the variety of interactions that will be experienced raising children. As we read through the sections, we may be able to relate to some examples; or maybe we can pronounce that was not the way it was. We can have the sad moments about why didn’t we have healthy parents to love us like the book says, or condemnation about how we did not carry out the actions appropriately with our own children. The emotions and pain are real, we will not deny that, but we cannot change the past, but we can learn and benefit from the insights.
In reference to the different stages in boundary development and family experiences, how was your childhood defined?
If you have raised any children, how was your experience aligned to the healthy expectations laid out in the chapter?
Discipline and Punishment
We have heard the terms for years, we have experienced each throughout our life. Some in good ways and other in not so much good ways.
Discipline is an external boundary, designed to develop internal boundaries. It has a purpose to benefit those involved. Discipline is the consequences to our actions that we learn from. The important factors in healthy discipline is that there is no condemnation, abandonment or separation when a bad decision is made, and that consequences are upheld.
Punishment is just payment for wrongdoing. There is no learning involved that is healthy. A person that is punished is in a situation that does not benefit them.
What are some examples of the discipline that you experienced as a child? What were the results of your boundary definitions and mentality as result of those situations?
Share some of the good and bad examples in your life of boundaries, discipline and consequences.
Boundaries as mentor and sage
Whether you have children or not, we all have the ability to still experience boundary forming opportunities. Whether they are newborns, toddlers, youth or even young adults, we get an opportunity to engage in boundary definitions. Sometimes we are God’s greatest witness into some families. The following are from the list of good suggestions on interacting with children (Pg. 185)
- When a child is angry, don’t tell them to not be angry, or they should not be angry. Allow them to talk about their anger.
- When a child is sad, grieving or impacted by a loss, allow them to experience the feeling. Don’t try to immediately cheer them up or talk them out of their feelings.
What are some of your experiences with those suggestions? How did they play out when you were a kid? How did you deal with such situations as a parent? What are some things you still need to practice and seek God’s help in improving on?
The previous concepts were outlined for developing children, but the actions can be equally helpful when dealing with everyone as well.
From this chapter, let us understand how vital it is to have boundaries introduced, established and conditioned as a child. That not everyone has been given the recommended approach and that adjustments will and can be made. Next week we learn about healthy and unhealthy boundaries where we work. Whether it is at a paying career job, social work or in ministry, we still have interactions with others, and that means we have more boundaries to be aware of and pay attention to.