In this lesson we discover why discipline is a requirement for children. Contrary to popular theories, children who have not been disciplined by their parents are often the most unhappy. Setting a child free to be and do however he wants is to sentence him to confusion. Only loving, parental discipline can place a child’s feet on the right path.
There is no question that children are a heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3)—but they are a challenge from the Lord as well. In America we have had several generations to witness the results of raising children the world’s way, and the evidence could not be more clear: We need to return to the wisdom of the Lord. In this lesson we will explore what the book of Proverbs teaches concerning the family—specifically, instilling wisdom in our children.
Discipline is an aspect of child rearing on which Proverbs has much to say. One of the most well-known verses on discipline (that is, training) is Proverbs 22:6:
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. – Proverbs 22:6 ESV
When I learned that Proverbs isn’t a book of promises, Proverbs 22:6 began to have meaning to me. I came to understand that the proverbs are part of the wisdom literature of the Old Testament and represent principles, not airtight promises. In this case, Proverbs was saying that if you pour yourself into your children when they are young, they’re going to have what they need to be wise when they are old. The time for training (disciplining) children is when they are young. The Bible doesn’t promise that every child of Christian parents will be saved. It just says if you want to give your child every advantage, build into your child those godly principles and values which will guide his steps as he leaves your direct care.
3 By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; 4 by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. – Proverbs 24:3-4 ESV
The flip side of Proverbs’ instruction to parents is its instruction to young people which carries a central theme: You are never too old to break your parents’ heart.
Even when parents are old they love and care about their children’s welfare. A person shared about a friend of his who constantly worried about his kids—what they did, what they ate, how they dressed. That didn’t sound too unusual until he told me the father was in his 90’s and the kids were in their 70’s! Parents never stop trying to influence their children and children never stop being able to impact their parents’ hearts.
A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother. – Proverbs 10:1 ESV
A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish man despises his mother. – Proverbs 15:20 ESV
He who sires a fool gets himself sorrow, and the father of a fool has no joy. – Proverbs 17:21 ESV
A foolish son is ruin to his father and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain. – Proverbs 19:13
He who does violence to his father and chases away his mother is a son who brings shame and reproach. – Proverbs 19:26
Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. – Proverbs 23:22
Young people must realize that parents are God’s tool in their lives for their good. Parents aren’t perfect, nor do they know everything. They are going to make mistakes. But children need to choose to honor their parents regardless of mistakes made.
Now as a parent, I can look back now and see how parents play different roles in their children’s lives. Fathers get to be proud when their children do well, and mothers get to experience broken hearts when their children fail. But it is also to their mothers that children go for consolation and healing, more than to their fathers. So both roles are necessary, and children should honor them both, regardless of the degree of perfection their parents exhibited in raising them.
Parents are called to do two primary things in raising their children, both of which are part of the same concept: They are to disciple and discipline their children.
Called to Disciple
Every time you see the words “My son” in Proverbs, take note. What follows will be a set of instructions from Solomon to his own son on some aspect of life. To work through these sections carefully is to receive an education in how to disciple our children. Here are some of the sections and a summary statement for what they teach:
- Chapter 1:8–19 Peer pressure
- Chapter 2 Paying attention to wise counsel
- Chapter 3 Putting your trust in God
- Chapter 4 Protecting your heart
- Chapter 5 Instruction on proper speech
- Chapter 6 Parental guidance
- Chapter 7 Further guidance for parents
“Disciple” and “discipline” are two sides of the same coin. Unfortunately, we too often associate discipline with punishment or correction. But discipline is simply training which produces a disciplined person, or a disciple. So the largest part of this lesson is devoted to the subject of disciplining your child.
Called to Discipline
Discipline has almost gone out of style. All you have to do is take a public transportation or go to a department store or a restaurant. You will be exposed to the lack of discipline in the lives of many young children. Where has this lack of discipline come from in our society? We know for sure where it did NOT come from: From the wisdom of Solomon. Proverbs is filled with exhortations and instructions on how to train children so they are not a scourge on the family or societal landscape. It is clear that discipline is for every child whom the Lord loves.
11 My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, 12 for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights. – Proverbs 3:11-12 ESV
Discipline Is Proper for Every Child
Proverbs and the New Testament make it clear: Every child needs to be disciplined.
Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart. – Proverbs 29:17 ESV
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? – Hebrews 12:7 ESV
Unfortunately, the world has adopted a laissez-faire (attitude of letting things take their own course, without interfering) perspective that children should be allowed to blossom with little or no guidance (training). The same thing has happened to children that would happen if you suddenly ran a locomotive off the end of the tracks with no more rails to guide it—a train wreck. The landscape of our society is littered with the lives of undisciplined young people, and chronological adults who have grown in years but not in maturity or wisdom.
Jesus didn’t preach unlimited freedom. He bound Himself personally to the truth of God’s will and said, “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32). God is all for freedom, but within the constraints of His will.
Discipline Proves Our Love for Our Children
Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. – Proverbs 13:24 ESV
Seems like a paradox, of which there are many in Scripture. The world is totally confused by the idea that love could be expressed by firm discipline, even corporal punishment such as spanking. How could making a child cry be a loving thing to do? The number one reason parents agree with not disciplining their children is because they love them too much (to hurt them). But the Word of God says if we don’t discipline our children, we don’t love them—we hate them. It’s as if parents want their children to grow up and become living “train wrecks.” And to ensure that happens, they don’t give them any tracks to run their lives on—they don’t discipline them.
What is your personal experience with discipline as a child? Was the rod spared? Were you taught with love? How have you engaged as a parent? Do you find discipline hard? Or is it non-emotional for you?
Dr. James Dobson says parents must learn that discipline is not something they do to their child but something they do for their child. They must get to the point where they love their child too much to allow him to practice destructive patterns of behavior. They must follow the philosophy of the football coach who reprimands his players occasionally because he recognizes their value to the team and wants them to succeed. God wants every child to succeed on His team and provides parents with the coaching wisdom in Proverbs to make that happen.
Discipline Postponed Will Be Ineffective
Chasten your son while there is hope, and do not set your heart on his destruction. – Proverbs 19:18 ESV
A mother came to David Jeremiah years ago and asked at what age she should begin to discipline her sons. When he discovered that her boys were ages eleven and nine, he didn’t have the heart to tell her that the game was over and she lost. We must begin to discipline our children “while there is hope,” meaning while their lives can be shaped and directed. Many child rearing experts, both Christian and secular, believe that the basic values and behavior systems are set in children by their sixth birthday.
Were your younger days structured in discipline? Or were your teenage years spent with attempts to correct and adapt what was already learned?
The age at which to begin disciplining our children is not a chronological one. Rather it is when we see the seeds of willful defiance to authority begin to germinate in their hearts. Children (all humans) are born in a state of rebellion against God, inherited from their forefather Adam. That rebellion is exercised toward all God-ordained authorities—especially parents. Defiance must be confronted early or it will blossom into full-fledged rebellion.
Do you personally have any seasons of rebellion? Or parenting experiences?
Discipline Purges Wrong Conduct from a Child’s Life
Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. – Proverbs 22:15 KJV
Making children understand that wrong behavior brings negative consequences is Proverbs’ way of discouraging them from choosing such behavior. And by “negative consequences” we don’t mean threats or loud lectures. “The rod of correction” in Proverbs is what some have come to call “the board of education applied to the seat of knowledge.”
What has been the most effective form of discipline that you have learned and grown through?
The psalmist said in 119:
It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes – Psalm 119:71
He learned that though discipline and chastening from the Lord were painful at times, by those experiences he was trained to follow God’s statutes. And the same will be true of a child who receives correction from his parents. Is chastening enjoyable? No, says the writer to the Hebrews. It is grievous, but
afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it – Hebrews 12:11
This philosophy of child rearing is considered “cruel and unusual” by many outside the church of Jesus Christ—and even some within it. But the fruit of righteousness which it produces gives testimony to its inspiration.
Discipline Properly Administered Will Not Hurt Your Child
Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. – Proverbs 23:13
That gets right to the point. It doesn’t say your child won’t sound like he’s dying, or try to convince you he’s dying. It just says he won’t die as a result of your discipline administered with biblical wisdom.
Some parents say they don’t discipline their children physically because they’re afraid they may inflict some sort of physical harm on them. This is only one reason parents have offered in recent decades for neglecting to discipline their children. “I don’t want to hurt them physically.” “I don’t want to scar them emotionally.” “I’m afraid I’ll be reported to the authorities for child abuse.” These are all excuses which fly directly in the face of Scripture: Corporal discipline, administered lovingly and with wisdom (skill) will not harm your child. In fact, it is what will save his life.
Many times, various reasons for not disciplining children are a smokescreen for the real reason: It’s usually inconvenient to do it. We’d rather yell at the top of our lungs than get up, go where the child is, and discipline him. Have you ever noticed that children seem to misbehave at the most inappropriate times? (restaurants, when visiting people, during the ball game) Those are the hardest times to address the issue. Many times the behavior is ignored and behavior is formed. But we need to engage at the moment, not later; because we love them and if we don’t correct him then, it will be a much bigger problem to deal with later.
Discipline Proceeds in Spite of Crying
Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. – Proverbs 19:18 KJV
That is probably not the most accurate translation of the verse, but it illustrates a common issue parents face when disciplining their children: the wails and cries of the child. Some parents just cannot stand the thought of being the cause of their child’s crying. They will do anything to avoid the guilt they feel when their little one breaks out in wails. Some children have it figured out so perfectly that they will start crying at the very suggestion they are about to be spanked. Other children steel themselves against the pain and refuse to shed a tear. But if they do cry, don’t be thrown off track by it. Tears and crying are God’s way of allowing us to release the pain we feel; tears are normal and healthy.
Discipline: Help for the Child, Not Adult Anger Release
It is important to clarify what should be obvious to any Christian who knows the fatherhood of God:
No Christian parent should, under any circumstances in the name of biblical discipline, do anything to emotionally or physically abuse a child.
That simply must be said clearly. But that truth points out the reality of true discipline, that it is corrective, not abusive, in nature. God has provided a padded area of the anatomy which can receive mildly painful corrective measures without harming a child in any way.
When parents use physical or verbal correction as a means for taking out their own frustrations or anger, children can easily become embittered (as Paul warns in Ephesians 6).
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:4 ESV
Too many parents can identify with the mother who said, “My children were misbehaving so badly that I spanked them. It didn’t seem to help them much, but it did me a world of good.” Discipline of children is not a means for parents to let off steam or retaliate or seek vengeance against their child. If you are angry at your child, wait to discipline him. The line between discipline and abuse is too thin to risk doing anything that would harden your child against you, and ultimately against God.
Discipline Prepares a Child for the Most Important Decision in His Life
There is often a high correlation between young people who come to know Christ in their early teen years and those who were raised in Christian homes. That correlation reflects another of God’s purposes for wise discipline of children: To prepare them for the process of repentance and faith which will lead to their salvation.
Right, wrong or indifferent, as a child, how did you learn to “change your ways”?
You shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell. – Proverbs 23:14 ESV
When a child, from an early age, is made to confront his own sins of disobedience or defiance, he learns that there are standards in life which must be obeyed. Ultimately, when he is brought face to face with God’s standards, the idea is not a foreign one. But if a child has been allowed to live with the idea that sin and standards do not apply to him, he will feel the same way about God’s standards and be far less likely to sense the need for forgiveness and salvation. Children who have parents who lovingly confront them and correct them are well prepared to meet a loving heavenly Father who will do the same thing throughout their adult lives.
The best way for parents to prepare their children to know God is to know Him themselves and act like Him as consistently as possible. And that includes the application of loving discipline to teach them the way they should go.
Jeremiah, D. (2002). Powerful principles from proverbs: Study guide. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.
The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2001). (Pr 2:16–19). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society.
The Holy Bible: King James Version. (2009). (Electronic Edition of the 1900 Authorized Version.). Bellingham, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.