We continue this week through the section on forgiveness in our work through the book Enemies of the Heart by Andy Stanley. The last couple weeks we have been learning about the impacts of not forgiving and the pain and weight it puts on a soul.  Let’s just start out with some bold truth:

An apology does not erase an experience. To cling to our hurt while waiting to be repaid is to allow the seeds of bitterness to take root and grow. When that happens, we allow the person who hurt us once to hurt us over and over and over again.

The truth is that blaming won’t make us better. Holding out for an apology won’t either. The cure is forgiveness.  Now that we know the antidote, how do we get it? It is not easy, or we would have already done it and there would not be a big challenge in this world today.

Reviewing your character, do you forgive well? Or is it a struggle? Are you plagued with the challenges of your past and forgiveness? What is your dilemma?

Andy states that he believes that unforgiveness is the most devastating forces of our destruction; the unresolved anger from intentional and unintentional hurt.

There are four things that we are directed to do to “slay our anger” and complete the cycle of forgiveness.

Identify who you’re angry with

This may seem easy and real obvious sometimes. Other times, we may have to look a little bit harder. Remember this is an ongoing practice we should be doing, not just when we are loaded down and at the end of our rope.

Trying to forget a debt, a hurt, a violation isn’t the same as canceling it.  We must realize that we cannot assume we have forgiven someone just because we have “put it behind us”.  Here are some challenging questions:

• Who do you hope to never see again?
• Who do you find yourself having imaginary conversations with?
• Who would you like to pay back if you knew you could get away with it?
• Who do you secretly desire to fail?

Use this step to examine your heart. Do it often. As life goes on, things happen. This is a list we should be examining on a regular basis, especially if we are challenged with anger, frustration and disappointment.

Who makes the list today?

Determine what they owe you

This is a step that is often skipped and personally, this is also the crack in the pot that does not allow for healing and restoration.  General forgiveness does not heal specific hurts. It is important to pinpoint what was taken from us.  We cannot cancel a debt that has no definition, because we will not be able to measure when it is complete.

Being specific, what has the impact or cost been to you? Don’t be vague. If they came to you to be restored, what would it take?

Cancel the debt

This can only be done after determining the debt. We can’t cancel something that does not have definition. That is like saying “I don’t know why I am sorry, but I am.”

There are many ways to cancel a debt. We can do it in private, we can do it with someone we trust. We can face the person, or if they can’t be found a list can be mailed, burned, or buried. It point is it needs to be identified and laid to rest.  In the Celebrate Recovery step-study process, there is powerful healing in getting the inventory sheet complete with the hurt, the habits and the hang-ups so that we can offer healthy forgiveness that lasts.

Some ask, “when is a good time to offer forgiveness?” The simple answer is as soon as you can. The bigger question is why would you want to carry around the extra burden?  We must remember this important point:

It is always appropriate to offer forgiveness when someone requests it or offers amends for harm done to us.

Define how you are going to address the unforgiveness. Will it be in writing? In person? With a trusted friend? With the individual? When will you take action?

Dismiss the case

We need to be resolute to not continue to go back to the offense. If we have done the previous actions, it is finished. What makes this so difficult is that our feelings done automatically follow our decision to forgive. Besides, forgiving someone doesn’t erase our memories. If we could forgive and forget, this whole life would be a lot easier.  Isn’t it odd that about the time we think we have forgiven someone something happens to remind us of the offense all over again.  When those memories are triggered, the old feelings come flooding back.  The response is typically one of the following:

• we take hold of the offense all over again, crank up the imaginary conversations, and reopen the case of the offense.
• we try not to think about it and turn our thoughts elsewhere

Which of the two responses do you catch yourself resorting in?

Just so it is clear: neither response listed above is appropriate, healthy or helpful.

When memories of past hurts flood our mind, go ahead and face them. Allow ourselves to remember the incident. It’s even okay to feel the emotions those memories elicit. But instead of re-opening the case against our offender, take this opportunity to restate our decision: “He/she doesn’t owe me”.

DON’T ACCEPT THE LIE THAT YOU HAVEN’T REALLY FORGIVEN
Focus on the truth that this debt has been cancelled. How do we know? Because we decided, as an act of our will, to cancel it. Feelings come, feelings go. But the decision remains. They don’t owe us!

Our memories are not our enemies. Memories are simply memories. What we do with them will determine their impact. Truly forgiving doesn’t always entail truly forgetting.

Take action

Now we have read it, but like many things in our lives. We know what to do, but we don’t put it in action. The challenge is yours. If you want change to happen take the action outlined above. Remember:

Blaming won’t make us better. Holding out for an apology won’t either. The cure for anger, frustration and bitterness is FORGIVENESS.

We will continue this week into chapter 15, “Confronting Greed”