Probably more like, when was the last time…
nobody cares anyway…
Whether it was when you were very young, or as an adolescent. Maybe even as an adult. They question is not when, or how often, but why?
At any age, there is this question of self-worth. When things don’t seem to be going well. When things seem like they are just not right. Our own expectations seem to not be met. We question more than is that thinking right, but “am I right?”
I was reflecting back on my childhood recently. Many know that I did not grow up in a “normal home”. There was lots of alcohol and dysfunction. By the time I was a teenager, emotional and physical abandonment had already done a lot of damage.
A specific situation came to my mind as I was reflecting on self-worth. I lived several miles out of town on a ranch. There was a main road down the lane that cars traveled to and from town. That road was no highway, but it was a main travel fare. Cars would typically be going 55-60 mph, to and fro.
Living in the country in the sixties, there was no such things as bike lanes, so we just rode our bike on the “shoulder”, typically gravel margins on the side between the road and the ditch.
I can recall riding my bike down the road many, many times. Cars zipping right by, seemingly not even noticing me out there on the side of the road. That created some doubt and curiosity. (boy, the things I used to think…)
I was wondering if that last car did hit me, would any one care? My parents weren’t riding with me and I had no siblings or friends with me, would it matter?
I staged a whole scene. I laid my bike down on the side of the road and laid face down about 10 yards from the bike, as if someone would have hit me and kept on going.
What in the world was I think? Or was I even thinking? I cannot remember if the first car stopped for if any passed by me. But I do remember that someone did pull over and stop.
I did not give them a chance to check on me. The minute the car pulled off the side of the road into the gravel, I bolted to my feet and ran for my bike. What a traumatic situation. Not only for the gloomy condition I was in, but what was the driver thinking?
Yes, someone cared, but did that experiment ever lay to rest my curiosity? I can say, no. I can recall many times in my life where I question: “does anyone care?”. But the other obvious view to the situation was, what would provolk a young boy to go to such extremes to answer his curiosity?
It was because of the uncertainty in my life. I was born out of wedlock to a middle-aged woman and I am sure in the 60’s that was not an easy situation to be in, but even after my mother married, there was no healthy bonding of child and parent. There was a void that my heart and soul yearned for. To be held and embraced and told that I was okay and that I was loved.
I am sure that my mom loved me physically, but there was not that emotional bridge that was formed. I know I am not alone in this situation. Many, many people I meet share about the abandonment in life. Whether it was as a child or as a teenager or adult. That feeling of disconnect. Whether is was the heartbreak of the girlfriend breaking your heart in high school, or your wife telling you the marriage is over. Those are heart-damaging moments. When in those situations we log those memories as truths that were lived out. We replay them over and over again. When we put them aside, the enemy brings them back up.
This spring retreat will take us back to our early years. Whether you are like me and had a challenge or two as a kid or if you just got off the trail in your formative years, this is going to be an oasis for your soul. Whether you have lived a pretty decent life, minus some bad girlfriends or disputes with your spouse, the one thing that is constant is your soul. It takes a beating and keeps on ticking…
Don’t miss this opportunity to not only reflect and learn from your past, but heal. We have some wonderful material and exercises to let us go back and make things right. To rescue that child that just had that moment of doubt and curiosity.
May 13-15, 2016… Lake Martin…. come rejoice and see what God wants to do!